A sad story

Little Red Dog Running

“Tina. 

I remember first seeing you when I got home that afternoon, you and Holly were so cute I couldn’t believe. My inner child came to life. I had a best friend. Someone to play with. 

I won’t forget the times I’d lay down ,and you just wouldn't stop licking me.  Both of you.

The funny faces. Jumping up on me. Carrying you like a baby. Lying on the grass.

You must have loved it when you could fall on your back so I could rub your tummy. Such a suck up you were.

I’m sorry I wasn't there for you more. I know what both of you do, you go at night and I didn’t think much of it because you’d always, always come back.  I wish I turned that bloody screen off, break life’s patterns, just to have more walks with you. Maybe I didn’t leave enough food, or maybe I’m not good enough and this just keeps happening to me. This place, these mundane weekends and this mundane life.  Alone for mundane reasons and snippets of time with you just to get back and procrastinate work. The loneliness that you must have felt. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I  wasn’t always there for you. You were a best friend. I’m sorry I was so dumb. Why did I give shit for that assessment? You are infinitely more important.

You, your relentless, unconditional love. 

I’d see you through the roller door out the back, no collar red dog. Little red dog running. Always jumping up on me, unlike Holly. Our long hugs, on the short grass in the backyard. We had our moments. Calling you back home, sneaking into the house, sporadic games and teasing your sister. We had fun, so much fun.  I chased you. You chased me. You chased Holly. I love you. You, I won’t forget.”

Monday morning came capitulating upon the alarm, the day. The same dismal  routine and last minute decisions. Long day at school. Long bus trip, long lunch. Tired as hell and my eyes burnt. I got in dad’s car and he started talking. I wish he wasn't so foolish. “Tell me straight!” I screamed inside.

Dad told me before that what he saw might be her. I cried for a few moments, no one saw me. I acted normal, no one saw me. I wiped the tears away so no one saw me. When we pulled off to the side of the highway I got closer. All was some child’s bear ripped to shreds. All was red fur, a leg attached to some part, no head, no tail, no eyes, no figure, no noise, no words, no thought. All but not  Tina. “Why another?” “Why another moment?” And the sight I still remember, the flashes and the nightmare. Not a teddy bear, not cotton or wool but blood and ripped flesh. I look back and hear the sound of an engine,  feel wind rushing past, reverb of the tires and vibrations, the highway traffic russling the grass. I denied it all the way there.  I kept telling myself she must be alive and there I was leaning against the passenger door. Alas to the wind.

I pictured how it happened again and again and I’ll never forget that image of her.

I felt guilty. I felt. Why didn’t they? Did they? 

“This happens to us, to me, my best friend and this is what you say. Mum? Dad? Love is how we heal, don’t hide it. Change. Do better, try harder, please. I wish you knew that. I wish I knew that.”

Later it was just silent. Just me. Just thoughts. But no just for others who knew me.

“ I hope you left this place without any pain. I’d like to think there's a heaven or a place I can see you again. I could show I loved you. I can tell you, love heals. As it does, not did. See you later, you little nark.”